Eat It! Or Don’t. Piggy Pie.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the U.S.

This is traditionally a day for stuffing our faces with all sorts of comfort food.  I just read a statistic that says Americans consume over 3000 calories on Thanksgiving.   That’s a lot of pie.

Don’t tell anyone, but pie is not my favorite dessert.  If it doesn’t have frosting (butter-cream, not that cream cheese or whipped cream bullshit)  I’m not a fan.

Despite my lack of love for pie, I am OK at making the traditional Thanksgiving pies.  Pie filling is actually super easy to do.  OK, it’s only easy because you mostly open up some cans and pour that into a pie crust.

Pie crust is something that I will never, ever, ever try to make from scratch.  You remember my bread disaster?

My father in law requested cherry pie for tomorrow so I decided to give that a try.  My plan was to use one of those pie crusts that you can just unroll and place on top of the filling.  Like this.

My ideal cherry pie (image from the google search)

My ideal cherry pie
(image from the google search)

When I tried to unroll the pie crust, it started to come off in chunks.

What to do?  What to do?

I ended up using the pig cookie cutter I had and placed those little guys on top of the cherries.  Then I egg washed them and placed cinnamon and sugar on top.   Not to brag, but. I think the pie came out looking pretty good.

Piggy Pie

I’m calling it Piggy Pie, in honor of how much we will be pigging out.

I hope it tastes alright.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Gettin’ Chip Faced

Oh, dear.

When you are trying to lose weight, you watch what you eat.

Last night, I watched an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s Froyo enter my mouth.

Technically, I didn’t watch myself eating.  I didn’t sit in front of a mirror and eat.  Maybe I should do that next time.

What I did do, was sit in front of the TV watching Sherlock Holmes on Netflix with a brand new pint of Half Baked and a spoon.  As I watched the season 1 season finale (where we finally meet Moriarty) I just kept on eating.  And eating.  And eating.

Next thing I knew the pint was all gone.  Empty.  Fin.  Done.

WTF!

I usually have restraint while eating Ben & Jerry’s.  For one, it’s not cheap.  Eating it is truly a treat for me.  I like to savor the flavor.

Not this time.   I don’t even remember what the flavors taste like.  I do know that the container says it’s chocolate with brownie pieces and vanilla with cookie dough.  But I don’t remember even eating bits of brownie or cookie dough.

WTF???

So the question I have for myself is  WHY?  Why would I eat that whole pint of FroYo?

Was I stressed?

Not more than usual.

Was I depressed?

I don’t think so.

Happy? Sad? Glad?  Mad?

No. Non.  Nein.  Nyet.

Was I hungry?

Hmm.  Good question.

I guess I was hungry.  I only had the smallest piece of vegetable lasagna and a little salad from a potluck dinner.  I should have had more salad.

I should have ate something healthier when I got home.

But I didn’t.  I have to own the fact that I got chip faced last night and deal with the hangover today.

 

 

Eat It! Or Don’t. Fat bottom pizza

OK.  So technically not really pizza.  But I did get your attention, didn’t I?  I’m on a flatbread pizza-y kick right now that I wanted to tell you about.

 

First stop.  Hawaiian Pork ‘tacos’.

I made this yummy crock pot Hawaiian Pork Tenderloin last week.  I got one of those crock pot pouch thingys that they have now where you can just dump it in the crock pot and add meat.  If I could remember the name of the brand, I would totally pimp it out.  It was awesome.

But I had leftovers.

I hate leftovers.    Loathe leftovers.  Despise leftovers.

You get the idea.

I knew I had to re-purpose the meat, but I didn’t have a game plan until crunch time (zero dark hungry hours).  I looked in the kitchen and had tortillas, black beans, and shredded cheese.

The black beans were in a microwaveable pouch.  Which is an awesome idea because the canned refried beans are a pain in the bean.

I put the beans (that I warmed up a little) on the tortilla, then the meat and some of the Hawaiian sauce.  For the kids, I just put some shredded cheese on top.  For the adults, I added some pickled jalapenos.  I then popped them in the oven until the cheese was perfect.  For me that’s when it gets those brownish crusty bits.

Hula Taco

It was flucking amazing!!  In fact, this is one of those times where the leftover tasted better than the original dish.  For the side, I made a coleslaw using plain yogurt and pineapple.

 

My second flat bottom dish was technically a flat bread pizza.

The FIxings For Yummies

I used wheat pitas that I brushed with some olive oil and sprinkled with some garlic salt. For the boys I used some tiny pepperoni and italian shredded cheese.  For Hubby, some sun-dried tomato pesto and cheese.  For me.  I used the pesto and olive spread with a little cheese.

soup_for_you

We ate our ‘pizzas’ with Progresso Tomato Basil Soup.  I added some Garlic Kale Chips in my soup.  My pizza dipped in the soup was delicious 🙂

 

What are your favorite fixings on pizzas or tacos?

 

 

 

Eat It! Or Dont. ‘Bit -‘Mallow Treats

School was closed today for Presidents Day.  It also snowed again, so the boys and I were snowbound.  Again.  This has been a very long winter.

I wanted to make Rice Crispy treats with the boys but we didn’t have enough Rice Crispy cereal.  The thunder-snow was falling from the heavens and there was no way I was going out for cereal.

What to do? What to do?

I improvised.

We had enough Alpha Bit cereal, so I decided that would work.  I thought it would be too bland, so I decided to add some more ingredients.   Now, if you have read my previous posts, you know that this always ends bad.  But it didn’t this time.

I had about a 1/2 cup of peanut butter left in the jar, so I added that to the melted butter and about a 1/2 to 1 cup of chocolate chips to the pan to melt as well.  Then I added the bag of tiny marshmallows and stirred until all that shit was melted.  I then added about 5 cups of the cereal.   I dumped out the mixture into a brownie pan and spread it out. The last touch was sprinkling what was left of the sprinkle bits*.

bit -mallow treats

I suppose you could fuck up crispy treats, but luck was on my side today!  This recipe was a hit!   Whew.

*I have no idea what the confetti/dotty thingys are called.  D took the empty bottle somewhere, so I don’t know the name.  Do my baker friends know?

Eat It! Or don’t. Flat Bottom Bread

I love bread.  I love fresh, hot-out-of-the-oven-burn-the-insides-of-your-mouth bread.

My problem is that as a non-baker, I cannot really make bread.

It’s easy! At least that’s what I’ve been told by friends and the interwebs.  OK, mostly the interwebs because of my lack of friends.

I don’t know if you know this, but the interwebs lies.

I know!

This came as a shock to me, too.

Some people make the typical New Years Resolution to go to the gym more often.  I decided to load up on more carbs.   I’m kidding!  But I thought it might be cheaper if I made a loaf a bread each week instead of buying it.

Recently, I picked up a jar of yeast instead of packets.  My thought process was that this would not only be cheaper but it would be motivation to bake bread.    You know, like buying new gym shoes as motivation to go to the gym more often.

What I didn’t realize until today about the jar of yeast was that the instructions are incorrect.  It actually says “pour the entire packet of yeast in warm water.”  WTF?  How much is in a packet???

So I guessed.

I guessed wrong.

My dough* never rose.  I left it covered on the stove with the oven preheating for an hour.

The dough did doo-doo.

As I have no patience, I threw the fucker in the loaf pan and put it in the oven.  It came out the way it went in.  Flat.

D and I had it for lunch.   As far as the taste, it wasn’t bad.  Since it didn’t rise, it was dense.  I felt the texture was fitting as I am dense at baking bread.

Flat_bottom_bread

I will not give up! I must bake on!   I bought a jar of yeast, for fuck sake.  What else am I going to use yeast in?   Soup?

*I used a recipe that I found on the interweb.  As I didn’t bookmark the recipe, I’m not sure which website it came from.  I’m not sure you’d want to use the recipe anyway.  Of course, you might be a better baker than I am.  If you are, would you like to make bread for me?  I couldn’t pay you, though.  I have no dough.  (See what I did there?)

Eat It! Or don’t. Taking A Wrong Turn In Taste Town

I pride myself of being able to dump a bunch of shit together in a pan and making a delicious dinner.

Tonight was not one of those nights.

I feel like I should share with you my mistake so that you may learn from it.  What will you learn, you ask?

That you possibly may not ever want to come over to dinner.  Ever.

I started out fine.

I sauteed in olive oil an onion, portobello ‘rooms, diced carrots and some garlic with some salt and pepper.  My original plan was to possibly cube up a ham steak and also add shredded brussels sprouts.   But then I realized I had ground beef that needed to be used today so I also added some cumin, basil, thyme.

That’s when I took that wrong turn in Taste Town.  But lets face it, the other dish wasn’t going to taste that great either. . . We were screwed either way.

I decided to make something similar to chilli mac.  I went to the cupboard and pulled out the following:

  • white northern beans
  • chopped black olives
  • crushed tomatos
  • tomato sauce
  • little shell pasta

When it all came together it looked less than appetizing to me.  It also smelled similar to infant poop.  I blame the olives.  Why did I throw in olives?  Why???

yuck

Between the mushy beans and the smell of the olives, it was a struggle to eat this.  The only thing that helped was a glass of Gnarly Head Old Vine Zin.

Oh well,  not every dinner can be a winner.

Eat It! Or don’t. Razzy ‘fruit Quick Bread

Eat It! Or don’t will be a series of posts about my misadventures in baking.

I would love to say that I’m a great baker.
I would love to say that.
The truth is that I’m not.
Not. Even. Close.

You ever get sucked into that food porn they show on the Cooking Channel and get inspired to bake something that looked so sexy on the show?

No?  Just me?

I think you’re lying.

Recently, I watched an episode where the commentators were discussing how wonderful this Raspberry and Grapefruit quick bread was.
By definition, quick bread is quick. Right? So I should be able to do that.
I had some fresh raspberries on hand because of a sale at the grocery store.
I even had a grapefruit that seemed lonely in the fruit bowl.
So, why not give it a go? Right?

I have a Jiffy baking mix that I know makes good banana nut bread, so I decided to use that recipe and ‘jazz’ it up.
Instead of all white sugar, I used some brown sugar as well. I also added some vanilla. Used a pint of raspberries and segmented the grapefruit and used the juice from the grapefruit as well.

Loaf_Raz_grpfruit

top: right out of the oven. middle: oops, trying to pop it out of the pan. bottom: fresh hot loaf.

Drum roll please. . . .
Right out of the oven, I didn’t think it was that great.  Turns out grapefruit bits aren’t that yummy hot.  I also thought I may have put in too much brown sugar.
The next day at room temperature it was pretty good.
My 5 year old gobbled his piece all up and asked for more!
Would I make it again?  I think I would like to monkey around with the recipe further. So, I guess that answer is Yes.

How would you have made the bread?